ASK A PRIEST

MAY 2009

FATHER WILLIAM G. MENZEL
FATHER KEVIN BATES, SM
CATHOLICVIEW STAFF
FATHER WILLIAM G. MENZEL
”I signed an affidavit untruthfully.  Is this a mortal sin?”
- Rita

Father Bill:

I recently affirmed an affidavit where what I stated was not true. It was around witnessing a signature. I know one of the two individuals listed as witnesses actually witnessed the signature, but also know the signature being witnessed was valid. I know this is a lie, but is it a mortal sin? Thank you. - Rita

Dear Rita,

Let me throw this question back to you, but from a little different perspective. Let’s say that you were driving a car and hit someone who ran out into the street without looking. The person was seriously injured, but eventually recovered quite well. Let’s say that you were in no way at fault; you were not speeding, you were not talking on a cell phone, you were doing everything right. Then let’s say that there were three witnesses to this accident besides you and the person you hit: a passenger riding with you and two friends of the person you hit.

To keep this short, let’s say that an affidavit was required from each of the witnesses. Your passenger told the truth, you were not speeding, and you were not distracted. Then let’s say that the two friends of the injured party swore that you were going way too fast and that you were talking on a cell phone.

How would you feel?

Even though the circumstances of the affidavit you describe may seem relatively trivial in comparison to my example, it is important to understand that, in most circumstances, an affidavit is an oath. That means you are making a solemn promise to be truthful. This absolutely cannot be taken lightly. The consequences of lying could cause great harm (as they might in the example I used above), and they could lead to prosecution for perjury.

Was your lie a mortal sin? That depends on whether all three conditions for a sin to be mortal were present:

--Grave matter: falsifying testimony under oath is usually grave matter.

--Full knowledge of the evil of the act: only you can answer whether you knew that this was grave matter and that you fully understood the evil of giving false testimony. However, since you’re asking me about this, I have to assume that you did not have full knowledge of the seriousness of this matter. Therefore, it would not have been a mortal sin.

--Full consent of the will: this means that you not only had full knowledge of the evil of the act, but that you went ahead and did it anyway, with complete freedom.

By these criteria for a mortal sin, I would say that you did not commit a mortal sin. Still, you did wrong to lie under oath. If I may sound a bit paternalistic: Don’t do it again!  - Father Bill

 


”My parish priest is rude.  How can I get a letter
to join another Catholic Church?” - Margo 
 

Father Bill:

My new Priest was very rude to me during confession and 2 weeks later in confession he screamed, called me a delinquent parishioner, did not care about my children and said he would never give me a letter to join another Catholic Church.  I am now having anxiety attacks and I can't sleep and want a letter to join another church.  I have volunteered for many church things. He has only been at our parish 4 months.  Then I said hello and he turned his head this past Wednesday because of my late payments to our Catholic School.  Can you help me?  - Margo  

Dear Margo,

First of all, let me apologize for the rudeness of your pastor. I know that to do so is somewhat lame on my part, but I always feel sorry for people who are treated rudely by those of us who ought to know better. I know there are times when I’ve been rude to parishioners, too, so I publicly apologize for the hurt I’ve caused.

Having said that, I feel that I must add a note of caution that I often add when counseling one spouse in a troubled marriage: please note that I fully realize that I’m only hearing your side of the story. It’s not that I don’t believe or trust you, Margo, but I have found over and over again that perceptions can be powerfully affected by emotions, and perceptions so affected are not always accurate. It also appears that this priest, new to the parish, may be experiencing tremendous pressure as he adjusts to a new situation and deals with new problems. This does not excuse rude conduct, but sometimes such pressures can lead us frail humans to exceed our emotional limits. It has happened to me.

There’s no doubt about it, though, that if your pastor truly was rude to you during confession and screamed at you, then you probably ought to consult another priest to see if he could  help you report this conduct to the Vicar of Priests in your diocese. A pastor who screams at penitents in the sacred context of the confessional really needs to be confronted by his bishop or one of the bishop’s official representatives.

As far as your joining another parish is concerned, I know of nothing in Canon Law (the official code of laws for the Catholic Church) that would require you to have some kind of a letter in order to do so. As far as I know, parishioners are completely free to leave one parish and join another, and no pastor can keep them from doing so. There are four parishes in the town where I live, and it’s not at all uncommon for parishioners to change from one parish to another. They don’t need any permissions or letters to do that.

Still, changing parishes can often be difficult, since it means leaving familiar surroundings and starting over somewhere else. Under the circumstances you have described, it may be the best thing for you to do, but I’d suggest you think about it and pray about it before making the move.

May God bless you and help you, Margo. – Father Bill

 


I just became Catholic.   I use Birth control because
I cannot feed more children.  Am I wrong?” - Avila

 

Father Bill:

I just became a Catholic at Easter vigil, but I'm extremely poor and overweight.  I use birth control because I'm scared to have more children I can't feed.   And I'm scared that something will happen to the baby or me if I get pregnant again.   Am I wrong? -  Avila 

Dear Avila,

Let me begin by saying how happy I am that you have found your way into the Catholic Church. May God bless you and help you to continue to grow in your faith.

To attempt an answer to your question, I need to define some terms. You see, there are many ways that the term “birth control” is used. For my purposes here, I’m assuming that we both agree that the term “birth control” would include “artificial contraception”. This is any deliberate interference preventing the union of egg and sperm during sexual intercourse (condoms and diaphragms are examples of this) as well as those methods which, in one way or another, might cause a fertilized ovum to be expelled from the uterus after only a short time (“the pill”, IUDs and the so-called morning-after pill are examples of this). Furthermore, I think that our definition of birth control should include tubal ligations and hysterectomies that are done for no medical reason, but solely to prevent further pregnancies; it should also include vasectomies.

Incidentally, another way of avoiding pregnancy that Catholics sometimes call “birth control” is what is known as “coitus interruptus”. This is when the male withdraws prior to ejaculation.

As I’m sure you know, the Church’s teachings about what we are calling birth control are very clear: within marriage, every act of sexual intercourse must be “open to the possibility of life”, and outside of marriage sexual intercourse is either fornication or adultery, each of which is seriously sinful.

Since the Church does permit—and in fact encourages—family planning for married people, it is clear that “openness to the possibility of life” does not mean that a couple must have all the children they are biologically capable of producing. There is nothing wrong with having sexual intercourse at times when conception is not possible, as long as this is not done for purely selfish reasons. The sophisticated techniques of “natural family planning” are based on the cycles of human ovulation. With proper training couples can enjoy a healthy sex life, learn new respect for each other as true lovers rather than sex objects, all the while remaining “open to the possibility of life”, while in fact avoiding pregnancies in ways that are consistent with God’s plan for humanity.

As a pastor, there is one thing that I am keenly aware of when it comes to natural family planning: both partners in the marriage must be in agreement. I could preach and write about the value of natural family planning in a marriage relationship until I was blue in the face, but if both the husband and wife are not committed to it, it simply will not work. What does one do when one of the partners is not committed to natural family planning? A related question would be "What does one do when one of the partners absolutely insists on the use of artificial contraception?" Personally, I do not believe that divorce is the answer if the marriage is otherwise a good marriage. Denial of intimacy is not the answer, either.

There is another aspect of all of this that I am aware of as a pastor, and that is that there are sometimes legitimate medical concerns that necessitate the removal of reproductive organs or that indirectly result in sterilization. Also, couples that are sterile or are beyond their childbearing years may continue to enjoy a sexual relationship. Might there be times when a married woman for whom a pregnancy would create serious medical risks could legitimately take a contraceptive medication? I don’t know, but personally I think that children already born need a mother.

That leads me to address something else you mention in your question. You say that you are overweight. I fully understand that obesity can be a very complicated matter, but I feel compelled to ask you whether you have sought help. As I just mentioned, I believe that children already born need a mother, and your obesity puts you at risk for serious health complications. For your own sake and that of your children, I hope you are making an effort to become healthier.

Avila, I know that there are many Catholics who would not be comfortable with some of the things I have said in my response to your question about birth control, but I do believe that there are times when there is nothing left but to choose between the lesser of two evils. I believe that God understands this. – Father Bill

 


FATHER KEVIN BATES, SM
”I divorced my husband due to infidelity and did not
report it to the Church.  What will happen to me and
my child when I report it?” - Michele


Father Kevin:

My husband and I have been married and have been Catholics for over 8 years. We were trying to have children for the past three years and when I conceived, 11 months later (2) months after the birth of our child, I found out that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker, and had been having the affair with her for over 3 months during my pregnancy. He refused to terminate the affair and I filed for divorce. He moved 4 hours away with this person and visits his daughter every other weekend.  It has been almost 1 year later and just this Sunday he requested to go to church with us for the first time since her baptism when she was just 11 weeks old.  He did not receive Holy Communion today.

I have never reported to our church about the divorce.   After the split up I continued to attend the parish weekly with my daughter only.  My first question is, in my heart I had a hard time dealing with him when he asked to attend church with us.  I feel that he has committed a mortal sin and I can't understand why he would attend? Secondly, what will happen to my daughter and me if I do tell our church?  Will they turn away from us because of his sin?  How does the Church look at divorced parents due to immortal sin?   Please advise, I have been praying on this for over a year and I seek council. Thank you, Michele

Dear Michele,

What a difficult journey you've been on in recent months.  I can  understand your angst about your husband's attending Mass with you again.  One can only wonder at his motivation, or what he is crying out for really.  Whatever the case, it does not impact on your integrity at all, as you have lived faithfully and have nothing at all to be ashamed of, even though you are now divorced.    As Jesus reminds us, it is not for us to judge whether another person is in sin or not, for only God can know the depth of a human heart.  So even though his behavior has impacted so terribly on you, and you feel the pain of it all, it is not for us to judge the state of his heart or his soul.  Regarding whether your parish would accept you or not if they knew the story, I just don't know. Of course I don't know your community at all or where you are.  If you were in our parish here in Sydney you would be welcomed with open arms as is everyone else who has been through struggle such as yours. If a community is for real in calling themselves "Christian", then there should be no question about whether the people accept and welcome you or not.  

How does the Church look at divorced parents?  Fundamentally with great love and compassion, and with whatever support the person requires.  Even if a person is the so-called "guilty or offending party" in a divorce situation, God's forgiveness can cope with that quite easily.   It's us who often have trouble  of course, and the role of the Church is to help us grow into that peace that only forgiveness and healing can bring. This can take   years of course so we need to be patient with ourselves, knowing that God is in no hurry!  With every blessing to you., Father Kevin

 


”I didn’t marry in the Church and I married my cousin. 
Can I get my marriage blessed?” -Sherry

Father Kevin:

I am interested in converting to Catholicism but have a few concerns.  First of all I was not married in a church, and second I married my cousin. I understand that my marriage is not valid, but would the Catholic Church bless my marriage and make it valid?   Thank you. – Sherry

 

Hi Sherry.,

Thanks for your question.   If you were to become a Catholic a local priest should be able to help you regularize your marriage with the Church if indeed that is required.  The Church generally presumes that a marriage is valid if parties who are not Catholic contract it, and it has not been carried out in a Catholic ceremony.  Regarding your being related to your husband that could be another matter.  I don't know what the law is where you are, but in Australia, the civil law is the pretty much the same as Church law. Here for first cousins to marry in the Church they need to get a dispensation.  Second and third cousins can marry and require no special permission.   Wishing you every blessing.  - Father Kevin:

 


”I am 57 years old and have a close male friend who is
60 years old and impotent.  Can we travel together and stay in
a double room?” DL

Father Kevin:

I'm female, 57, single and have a close male friend who is 60 and single. We're both observant Catholics. We are not romantically involved in any way; we're like brother and sister. Due to heart disease and advanced diabetes, he is completely impotent and accepts it. We have talked about traveling together and have considered sharing a double room to save money. This might be a really stupid question, but 1) do you see a problem with this and 2) would it constitute a sin under the circumstances?  Thanks. - DL

 

Dear DL:

All I can say to you is have a wonderful holiday together with a good and clear conscience.  All good wishes.   Father Kevin

 
CATHOLICVIEW STAFF


”I am godfather to my 5 year old nephew.   Am I obliged to
take him to Mass since the parents are lapsed Catholics?”
- Jeff
 

CatholicView Staff:

My wife and I are godparents to my 5-year old nephew, whose parents are lapsed Catholics. As godfather, am I obliged to take my nephew to Mass each Sunday if his parents do not? They live 45 minutes away. - Jeff

 

Dear Jeff:

Thank you for writing to CatholicView.  You are to be commended for your continuing interest in your godchild, particularly since you live quite a distance away.

The first obligation of the godparent is to support the parents with the religious upbringing of the child should they ask for it.  In a case where the parents have lapsed and the child cannot get to mass, you would have to ask the parents if they would permit you to take their son to mass with you.  Keep in mind that although you are the godparent, they are the parents.   If they do not want you to take the child to church, you cannot override their authority.  If they say no, sadly you have to concede.

Should this happen, you can only pray for them and hope they will change their minds someday.  – CatholicView Staff

 


“How can I keep this hunger for Christ alive?” - Mary

CatholicView staff:

How can I keep this hunger, or desire for God in my heart always without losing it?   It seems to come and go.  Thank you.  - Mary

 

Mary:

What a beautiful thing you write about.  To yearn for the closeness of God is something we all strive for, especially now in the midst of the turmoil we are facing today.  To answer your question, by prayer and in action we can feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, that is in essence God.  Set aside a quiet time and listen with your heart.  When you pray, ask the Lord to fill your hunger through the love you have for Him.  Words are not important as He already knows your desire.  Pray sincerely and often. 

Another way is to be Christ-like is in your relationship to others.   Something beautiful will happen as you give even a sincere smile to, say, someone in line at the bank or at the store.  These are Christ-like attributes that warm the heart and bring the Lord into focus.  God bless you for your faith.  – CatholicView Staff.

 


”Must I accept all the Church's teachings in
order to be Catholic?” - Mark 

CatholicView Staff:

In order to be a Catholic must you accept all the Church's teaching?  Can you not accept one and still be Catholic?  For instance, I do not believe the use of some contraceptive devices is wrong. However, I still call myself a Catholic as I largely follow the teaching of the Church.  - Mark

 

Mark:

Thank you for asking this question.  The matter of birth control is one that Catholics must adhere to.    Birth Control is a deliberate violation of the design God built into the human race, often referred to as "natural law." And it is prohibited by the Church.   The purpose of sex is for procreation.  Sexual intercourse, while pleasurable and an additional blessing from God, is intended to offer the possibility of new life while strengthening the bonds of intimacy, respect, and love between a husband and a wife.   To exclude this purpose deliberately misuses the basic purpose of sex, which is procreation.  And so, the Church teaches that we must follow this ruling. 

The alternative, of course, is Natural Family Planning (NFP) and it is an effective way of birth control.   Ask your priest about this. 

If the wife is unable to have children because of poor health or a life threatening condition, she must adhere to her doctor’s orders.    But the reason must be valid.

You will find an article that may be of help written by Father Phil Bloom for CatholicView in a past issue.  Here is that link:     “THE ROMAN CATHOLIC STANCE
ON BIRTH CONTROL”

Here are some good links where you can find more information not covered in this answer: 

http://www.catholic.com/library/Birth_Control.asp http://catholicexchange.com/2008/02/09/94690/

Hope this helps you.  God bless, CatholicView Staff

 
”I am afraid to go to confession.  What should I do?”
- Gibbey

CatholicView Staff:

I really want to go to confession, but I have not been there in a very long time and I am terrified to go. Any tips? Also, will you go to hell if you slept with your boyfriend? – Gibbey

 

Gibbey:

Do not be afraid to go to confession.  CatholicView answered a similar question in April and so I will repeat this answer.

Going to the Sacrament of Confession or Reconciliation is very simple to do. You can even tell the priest-confessor that you have not been to confession in a long time and that you don't know where and how to start! 

Here is a video that will guide you step by step in going to confession: http://www.howcast.com/videos/2424-How-To-Go-To-Confession  

In case you have forgotten, learn and memorize the Act of Contrition: "O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven, and the pains of Hell; but most of all because I love Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life.  Amen."

If you ask the Lord to forgive your sin of having sex outside of marriage by the Act of Confession, God will forgive you of this sin and you will not go to hell.  God loves you so much.  But you must promise not commit this act again.

Do not feel afraid. May the Lord strengthen you in your quest for forgiveness. –CatholicView Staff

 

 
”For 22 years my  mother-in-law has picked me apart. 
Can you help me?” -  G

CatholicView Staff:

I have been Catholic all my life, and I am ashamed to admit that due to my Mother in law picking me apart and criticizing everything I do, I have developed a feeling of hatred toward her. I'd like to think it's something more like frustration, but I am starting to wonder how to tell the difference. There has never been a kind word or kind gesture on her part. I don't wish bad things for her; I just wish she could be kind to me and allow herself to get to know me. It's been a mere 22 years that we've been married yet she refuses to take the time to get to know our kids or me. We live close by, yet there is no bond. My husband suggests that we continue to pretend all is well because his siblings won't understand and blame it on me. We don't go around as we should because of her attitude, but we certainly have tried. I am not a loud, controlling person as she is, so she feels superior to me. She also feels that she needs to be one step in front of everyone as if they are all up to something. This has put a terrible strain on our marriage and I just want to never step foot into her home. Is it wrong to do so?

After all, I claim to be a Christian so how can I justify this? Just recently, she pretended not to see me in the grocery store. When I went to wave, she put her head down as if she was looking for something deep in her purse. I walked toward her and stood right next to her, yet she continued the game. I decided to let my husband go visit her on Mother's Day. I figured if she can't say hello to me in the store, I don't need to visit her at home.

What does Jesus suggest we do when someone obviously doesn't like us, but they are in our family? I sure appreciate a response!   Thank you. – G

 

Dear G:

I am sorry that you are having problems with your mother-in -law. 

It is natural to have unkind feelings when another person attacks you constantly.  And to ignore the problem continues it.

First pray about it.  Pray often.   Then face the problem head-on.  Why not either call her at home or if this makes you uncomfortable, write her a short note and invite her for lunch, someplace nice but quiet enough so that you could talk to her.  Be warm and kind in the note or on the telephone, with no tone of judgment or ill feeling and ask her for lunch somewhere neutral and peaceful and beautiful.  Greet her as Christ would, with love.  After the lunch has been eaten, and the small talk subsides, open up gently and tell her how you feel.  Wait for her response, as there are always two sides to every story.  Suggest that you would like to know her better and that you would like her to see how much you love her son, what a great job she did to raise such a fine son.  With that opening, see what develops.  Nothing beats a failure like a try.  Remember you are trying to break down 22 years of dislike.  It might take a little more time but now the door will be open a bit.  Don’t expect change immediately.  A kind word goes a long way so don’t be surprised to see a smile later.   Little by little, I think you might be able to break the ice and establish a good relationship.

And talk to your priest about this situation.  He will be able to give you important advice that you need.

I hope this helps a little.  - CatholicView Staff

 
”Why didn’t the Church follow God’s Commandment
not to eat pork?”
 

CatholicView Staff:

I am a Catholic and have been learning about my Jewish heritage.   I am very concerned as to why we as Catholics eat pork?  It is clearly stated in the bible Leviticus, 11:6-7 & Deuteronomy 14:7-87 that we should not eat pork.  Why did the Church decide not to follow this commandment? - Elizabeth

 

Dear Elizabeth:

You are referring to God’s instructions to the Jewish people in the Old Testament. 

When Jesus came, He established a new covenant for us and we, as Christians, no longer have to adhere to the old law for salvation.   Read  Acts10:9-16: On the morrow, as they went on their journey, and drew nigh unto the city, Peter went up upon the housetop to pray about the sixth hour:   And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance, And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending upon him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth:    Wherein were all manner of four footed beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And there came a voice to him, “Rise, Peter; kill, and eat. But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean.”  And the voice spake unto him again the second time, “What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common”.   This was done thrice: and the vessel was received up again into heaven.”

Then in Galatians 2:16: “Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law.”

These are only two of many readings in the bible on this subject.  Hope this helps you.  – CatholicView Staff 

 
”I was raised Pentecostal but want to be Catholic.  What
considerations must I make?"  - Leland
 

CatholicView Staff:

Hi, I am starting to feel a desire to convert to Catholicism, and am wondering what should be considered before such a major decision is made.    I was raised Pentecost, but have been attending Catholic Church for about 4 years now.   I truly admire the devotion that is involved with Catholicism, and really appreciate the teaching.  I have prayed for a while about this, but am looking for advice from someone. Thank you! – Leland

 

Leland:

Welcome to our Church.  The first thing: go and talk to a parish priest.  They will get you enrolled in The Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA)   This is the process through which interested adults are introduced to the Roman Catholic faith and way of life.

Those who have been validly baptized outside the Catholic Church become Catholics by making a profession of the Catholic faith and being formally received into the Church. This is normally followed immediately by confirmation and the Eucharist.

This will be explained when you visit a priest.  Congratulations!   Again, welcome to our family.  – CatholicView Staff

 
“With no given reason, my pastor dismissed me from school
work, Ministry of Lector,  Sacristan, and Minister
of the Eucharist.   Advice? - Carol

 

CatholicView Staff:

Back in November I was fired from my cleaning job at the grade school where I go to church.   The Pastor also dismissed me from my Ministry jobs of Lector, Sacristan and Eucharistic Minister. All this has devastated me.   I truly believe lies were told to him about me, because he always thought highly of me.   My question what are reasons for someone to be dismissed from their Church Ministries if they are Catholic in good standing like I am.   I pray about this everyday because something just doesn't seem right about what has been done. - Carol

 

Dear Carol:

I am so sorry to hear of this terrible thing that has happened to you.  To be relieved of not only your job but also your ministerial duties seem excessive, especially in light of the fact that no reason was forthcoming.  This is a highly unusual.

Here are a couple of options for you.   First telephone the Archdiocese and get the addresses of both the Archdiocese and the Vicar of Clergy in your area.   Make sure you get the Vicar’s name as well as the Monsignor in charge at the Archdiocese.     Write to your Archdiocese and state your case.  Be detailed but brief in your letter.  Also write to the Vicar of Clergy in your city.   He is the one who handles and is in charge of all parish priest affairs.

State your case exactly.  Be totally frank without sounding unreasonable.   Once you receive an answer from either one, you may be asked if your name can be used when speaking to your priest.    Let these church officials handle this matter for you.  They will take care of it.

Again, I am so sorry this has happened.  God willing, things will change for you.  In the meantime, pray and ask God to send His peace as you look for the answers you need concerning this matter. – CatholicView Staff

 
”My marriage is in trouble.  Can you help me?” - Jennifer


CatholicView Staff:

My husband of 7 years was/is having an affair with a co-worker. We have a 3-year-old daughter. The affair lasted about 5 months but he claims to love her deeply. He spoke to our local priest and was told that the Catholic religion does not look kindly on adultery and to continue would leave him living in mortal sin and eventually to hell. He decided to end the relationship to save his soul but he has resentment towards me and the Church for "forcing" him to end the relationship. He says he only loves me as a friend and mother to his daughter but does not love me as a husband should love a wife...he says he loves her in that manner. What should I do? How should I proceed? We are attending counseling, but because he didn’t want to end the other relationship, he is not putting forth all his effort to fix our marriage. He will go about 2 weeks with no contact with her and then one day they will have a confrontation and the sparks fly again. He will come home and confess but angrily tell me how he wants to be with her and not me. I have taken my vows very seriously and want desperately to fix my marriage and keep my family together.  Any advice? - Jennifer

 

Dear Jennifer:

I am so sorry to hear of the sadness in your marriage.  Have you spoken to a priest about this?  Although your husband has, did you go also?  If not, I suggest you make an appointment with your priest so you can sit down and tell him everything that is happening. 

Sometimes, a spouse is so entangled they cannot see the dishonor they are doing.  Try asking him, very calmly and without anger, if he would go with you to a marriage counselor in an effort to preserve and keep  his family together as he vowed in the marriage contract.  Let him know you are willing to forgive but that your marriage is in trouble and you both need help.

I sincerely hope things work out for you, Jennifer.  I will pray for you. – CatholicView Staff

 
”How do I honor a parent who disrespects my marriage?”
– Aaron

CatholicView:

When faced with a parent who is too sensitive/focused only on their feelings, and they are constantly causing ugly disagreements with you & your spouse/marriage, and are impossibly defensive to talk with, when or how do you address it & still "Honor Thy Father and Mother"?

 

Dear Aaron:

Thank you for writing to CatholicView:

Sometimes parents can be harmful to a child’s marriage without meaning to be.  I think this is one reason the bible tells us in Genesis 2:24  tells us “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”.

I would suggest you speak to your parent, maybe take that parent out to lunch, and say gently and lovingly that you cannot allow a disrespect of your marriage vows.  That if the parent persists, you will have to limit your visits together.

The bible tells us to love our parents and show them respect.   This is the right thing to do.  But, if your parent causes a division within your household, then you will have to cut back the visits to your house or theirs.  During those visits, if continued disrespect is shown, then you must leave immediately but lovingly.  If asked, calmly tell your parent that they are being hurtful and it best that you or the parent leaves.  But make sure these actions are made with respect.

A parent, in these circumstances, will begin to see that their behavior will have to be modified and will respect you for taking a stand.  God bless you during this trying time.  - CatholicView Staff

 

 
“We were not married in the Church.  Can we have
our marriage blessed and our children baptized?” - April

CatholicView Staff:

My love and I were not married in the Church.   We were married by the Justice of the Peace.   Our children are not baptized.   How can we go about being blessed by the church in our union, and how do we go about baptizing my children Marco who is 3 years and Christian who is 7 years old?  Thank you and always God Bless. Thank you for all the work. - April

 

Dear April:

Thank you for writing.   Of course you can get your marriage blessed by the Church.  Is your husband Catholic also?  Go and ask a priest about having your vows blessed.  The priest will discuss all details with you.  This is basically a very simple thing to do and you will then enjoy all the Sacraments of the Church.

As to your children, they certainly can be baptized whether your marriage is blessed or not. 

Welcome back to our Church family. -  CatholicView Staff

 

 
My brother does not want to attend Mass on Sunday. 
Now what?” - Lee



CatholicView Staff:

My brother doesn't go to church on Sunday, though he professes faith and knows as much as I do about the obligation to worship God on His day. He wakes up late and takes it easy on Sunday. I talked to him, but he didn't listen.  Now what? - Lee

 

Dear Lee:

I am sorry to hear that your brother does not want to attend Mass.  The good thing is that he believes in Jesus Christ and has faith.  So there is hope for him. 

Lee, you cannot force anyone to go to Church.  They must want to on their own.  My advice to you is to continue going to Church, thereby setting a very important example for him to see, and then pray constantly that he sees his obligation to honor the Lord on Sunday.  Hope this helps a bit.  – CatholicView Staff

 
”When did Jesus refute Judaism and start His own
religion?” - Steve

 

CatholicView Staff:

As I understand it, Jesus was born and raised in the Jewish tradition/religion. At what point did He refute Judaism and basically, start His own religion? –Steve

 

Dear Steve:

Jesus Christ came to earth as a Jew.  He did not ever refute Judaism.  He came for the Jewish people but He did not come to overturn the faith.   Rather He came to earth to finish the work of the Old Testament and establish a New Covenant not only for the Jews, but  for all nations.  He is the ultimate fulfillment that God spoke of in the Old Testament.  He fulfilled the prophecies of the prophets and through the shedding of His blood on a cross, gained eternal life for all who believe in him; Jew or Gentile.

Steve, our religion is simply a continuation and finishing of the old covenant with the new. God bless you. – CatholicView Staff

 

 
”Should I tell a friend about his wife’s infidelity?” - Corinne

CatholicView Staff:

If you know of two people who are committing adultery, and have proof, should you tell the spouse who is being cheated on?  And since he is going to Divinity school to become a minister, does that change anything? I want to save him the pain, but I am also unsure if it is my place or if God will show him the truth in his own time.

 

Dear Corinne:

Thank you for sending us your question.  CatholicView recommends that you should not interfere in this man’s marriage.  It may cause serious danger.  What if he reacts badly and puts his wife in jeopardy? 

Ask you parish priest about this and give him more details than you include here.  Follow his wise assessment of this situation. – CatholicView Staff

 

 
”I repeatedly had visions of a girl close to me dying in a car
crash.  Did I do wrong in not telling someone?”  - David



CatholicView Staff:

Several years ago I was "shown" over and over again that a girl that was close to me would die.   I never knew how but the vision always came to me at the same place as I was driving home.  I also saw in this premonition that her father would ask me to say the eulogy at her funeral.  All these things transpired.  And she died in a car crash on the street.   I always received the premonition in the same area.  I have been tormented by this for over two years and do not know what to do.  At first I felt it was a religious experience, now I have turned from God because I feel so lost.    I am a conservative 53-year-old man with a solid family, health and business.   I feel there is no one I can talk to about this, no matter how close they are to me.    Thank you in advance for any thoughts. – David:

 

Dear David:

I am so sorry you are suffering because of your visions that a girl close to you would die.  From your letter, I am assuming that the girl you saw in your vision did die in a car crash later.

As sad as it is, even if you had told the parents, you could not have stopped this tragic happening.  You must pray to God that He will take this guilt away from you.  You have done nothing wrong.  God knows this.   Only He, in His mighty power could have changed the circumstances of this girl’s death.  Be at peace and know that there are things in this world that we will never understand.  Someday all things will be made known to us.

Find comfort through your Savior Who understands all things.  Forgive yourself and be free.  God has.  Go forth and live. – CatholicView Staff

 
”Can I live with my partner without marriage?  And when
we have children, can they be baptized in the
Church?” - Kathy

CatholicView  Staff:

What are the repercussions of living with a partner as a married couple without actually being married?  Due to financial reasons it may not be beneficial for us to be married, but we'd like to spend our lives together and have children and live as a married couple. Can our children be baptized if we are not married? Can we still be part of the church?

 

Kathy:

You ask whether any children from your union with your boyfriend can be baptized . Yes, your children can be baptized in the Catholic Church. However, the repercussion of living without the sanctity of marriage means forfeiting all sacraments of the Church for yourself and your boyfriend.   Plain and simple, you are living in sin and committing fornication.  You say “Due to financial reasons it may not be beneficial for us to be married”.  Then you should wait until such time as you are financially able.  As a Catholic, you know the Sacrament of Marriage is one that Jesus requires of all believing Christians who share intimacy.

Are you willing to bring innocent children into an uncommitted relationship? Are you will to   sacrifice your soul?  When you stand before the Lord how will you explain your actions? CatholicView hopes you will pray and rethink your situation.  If the Lord came right now, would you be ready to receive Him?  Don’t be an example of sin to the innocent children you want to bring into the world without the legacy and blessing of marriage vows. 

Please talk to your parish priest and see what he advises. – CatholicView Staff

 

 
”My boyfriend and I want to live together and his mother
is furious.  Any advice?” - Emily

 

CatholicView Staff:

I have had a two year long distance relationship and I have decided to move out to live with my boyfriend (Chicago to North Carolina).    Financially it is better that we live in the same house (before we are married).   We are both good people with a strong faith in God.   His mother is furious with him, she thinks we will go to hell. Any advice?

 

Dear Emily:

I am so happy that you and your fiancé have a strong faith in God.  But you are human and the close contact you would have living in the same house may cause you to fall into the sin of fornication.  Your boyfriend’s mother is absolutely right. But I believe you realize you are putting yourself at risk .  We are taught to avoid the occasion of sin, and you are disobeying how God wants you to live.

 It would be better to marry rather than to fall into sin, but I think you know that already.  And also remember you will not receive the respect from your future mother-in-law’s eyes by doing this wanton action of moving in together with a man without marriage.

CatholicView advice is to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ.  Don’t put your soul into jeopardy.  May the Lord strengthen you with the wisdom to avoid this action.  – CatholicView Staff

 
”My boyfriend threatened suicide when we parted.  What
should I do?” - Adrianna

CatholicView Staff

My boyfriend of over a year threatened suicide when I ended the relationship. I can't have the guilt of a soul in hell on my conscience, but the relationship is no longer healthy. Both our souls are the top priority before temporal happiness. What should I do?  - Adrianna

 

Dear Adriana:

I am so sorry to hear of your boyfriend threatening to commit suicide.  This is indeed a very serious matter. 

These threats are beyond your level of expertise and your boyfriend needs professional help.    Start with your parish priest who may be able to suggest someone who can help your boyfriend.    It is, as you say, not a healthy alliance and it may be dangerous for you as well to continue in this relationship.

Does your family as well as his family know of your concerns for his welfare and yours?

I would advise you to use caution.   Please get professional help as soon as possible.  CatholicView will offer prayers for you.  – CatholicView Staff

 
”Is it possible to get spiritual advice by email? - Joseph

CatholicView Staff:

Is it possible to get spiritual advice by e-mail (private) My wife works for local rectory and I need help but don't feel comfortable with my priest - conflict of interest.”

 

Dear Joseph:

Simply go to another parish where you are not known if you want anonymity.  Email is not the same as the sacrament of Confession where you can speak to a priest and he can ask you questions and advise.  Hope this helps. – CatholicView Staff

 
”Is it wrong to have sex with someone you love?” - Emily
 

CatholicView Staff:

My boyfriend and I love each other very much and we just had sex for the first time for me last night.  My friend was telling me that it is wrong even if you love anyone.  It's not that I would just have sex with anyone.  I already know you will say that it is wrong but I am just wondering the reasoning.  Thanks for your help... this is really making me question a lot of things now.  – Emily

 

Emily:

Your friend is right.  Sexual relations are only for people married to each other,  so right now you are in a state of sin.   The Church strongly advises against having sexual relations before getting married. Referred to as fornication, having sex before marriage is considered to be a mortal sin, requiring one to go to confess before they are allowed to take part in Holy Communion again. Jesus warned us many times when He came to earth to avoid fornication.  You must pray and go to confession and get things right with God immediately.

Here is some information from the bible that you should read:

"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." - 1 Corinthians 6:18

"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these evil things come from within, and defile the man." - Mark 7:21-23

"Marriage [is] honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." - Hebrews 13:4 "Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: For which things' sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience...." - Colossians 3:5-6

"But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God." - Ephesians 5:3-5

"[This] I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are [these]; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envying, murders, drunkenness, revelings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told [you] in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." - Galatians 5:16-21

"It is written (Tob. 4:13): 'Take heed to keep thyself. . . from all fornication, and beside thy wife never endure to know a crime.' Now crime denotes a mortal sin. Therefore fornication and all intercourse with other than one's wife is a mortal sin." - St. Thomas Aquinas

Remember, momentary pleasure could cost you heaven if you continue in this way.  – CatholicView Staff

 
“Should I let others wrongly hurt me?” John
 
 

Dear CatholicView:      

I never have a problem restraining myself from returning evil hurt for evil hurt inflicted on me from others.

My problem is what I do to myself when I feel betrayed by people whom I have lavished my love, time and treasure. These same people often turn simple disagreements into major conflicts that always include periods of giving me hostile "silent treatment" or threats of abandonment.

I'm not spineless. Just believe life is too short to make mountains out of small stuff. This often causes me to bite my tongue to keep peace. However, sometimes it would be sinful to NOT say, "hey, that’s wrong".

Because of the way I am (easy-going by nature), I have enabled certain people in my life to become very spoiled and treat me like a doormat. When inexcusable behavior warrants an expression of disproval they go ballistic on me with infantile rants before I can calmly make my points. They go away angry, not understanding what they need to hear. After these episodes, I have a very hard time acquitting myself and wind up badly beating myself up with emotional stress that I feel is taking a toll on my health and spiritual well being.

Any advice you can provide will be greatly appreciated.    Thanks, John

 

 

Dear John:

Thank you for your question.  It sounds like you have a case of low self esteem.

You have allowed others to make you feel less than God intended you to be.  Please know that each of us is unique and this includes you, John.  You are special and one of a kind.  We all are.  God made you for a purpose, and He gave you a talent for restraint and caring for others.  But, He wants each of us to know that we have equal value.   He wants you to love yourself, for in loving yourself gives you purpose and courage to stand tall, not seeking to overshadow anyone but to take you place as the valued person you are.  Do not let others run slipshod over you.  You are not less than other people. 

Being a good and Christian person does not mean that you let others take advantage of you.  The respect you give is the respect you must expect to receive.   Those who do not recognize your worth are not worth knowing.  Keep in mind that our heavenly Father knows all things.  To be meek and humble are admirable traits but in moderation.  Allow others to see that you will not tolerate the lack of regard and consideration as an equal human being.  If they will not honor and give consideration for you, walk away, for they are not the people you will want in your life.  Once you begin to see yourself as a person of interest and self worth, you will begin to take your rightful place and make new and lasting friends. 

Please pray and ask God to give you the strength to turn a new leaf; VALUE OF YOURSELF.  Learn to like yourself and others will too.  God go with you always, in Jesus’ Name.  – CatholicView Staff 

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